It's one of the tricks the exotic Prince Abdullah of Foreignstan was taught at his special sex-training school, where all Foreignstan's young royal males are – fortunately for the womenfolk of certain Swiss finishing schools, if not for their aquatic pets – sent. But what people really remember about Lace is the moment when it becomes clear that Conran's most famous quote "Life's too short to stuff a mushroom" actually continues "but not too short to stuff a goldfish up your hoo-ha". Let your pals dwell on the damage that could have been done without such early and formative instruction. When people ask you what the value of reading is, you could do worse than point them in the direction of page 82 of Shirley Conran's extremely bonky bonkbuster, where four friends at a Swiss finishing school – once they've got the hang of avoiding penile fractures – shag everything in sight. Did you bend it forwards? Did you rotate it? Could it snap off?" The sensual beauty of a young girl's first handjob. "Maxine was terrified of doing something wrong, of hurting him.
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